The second assignment in my class, there was even less restrictions and requirements. My professor only gave us a day and a half to finish it so it's very rough.


The graveled path twists and turns
through the park. Tiny stones and brittle leaves
crushed beneath my Nike clad feet.
Eleven o’clock, not morning and still
not the afternoon. There is a fountain
in the middle of the park. Old grey stone,
a headless cupid in the middle, poised delicately
and aiming blindly for your heart. Faces of dead
president drown at the bottom staring up sadly
through murky water.

Further on a boy walks his dog, a great big Airedale
with coarse fur, that chases a Frisbee as if there
is nothing else more important in the world.
To my left is a boxed desert, with an ancient
playground. The vinyl paint has chipped away
and the shiny steel, mercury colored,
reflects the sunlight.

Continuing on the path breaks off, a grass path
joining the red and brown colors stones. Moving
on to the grass, worn away by the many feet who
traveled here a head of me, I come upon a bridge.
It would be delightful to say that this bridge led
to some place of importance. Terabithia, Avalon,
or across the river Styx to Cerberus’ gates.

Crossing warped wooden planks I felt
invisble threads of spider silk on my bare skin.
With each step I swore there were echoes of
ghost followings. Perhaps it was Eurydice and
I was Orpheus leading her out of Hell across
a bridge that led to New York. Should I turn
and look and condemn her again? I never
looked, just kept crossing until I came
out on Fifth Avenue and the rush of traffic
passed me by.

Flash,

I'm not sure about the changes in tense, but I think I understand what you might be trying to do with them...reflect the switching from thought to memory and back again. Once again, I like the refinements you make in your descriptions, and, yes, there are rough points I think you can handle yourself. Is 'desrt' dessert?

forward,

Peter

"Faces of dead
president"

should be presidentS, no?

Also, enjambement (continuing a sentence on the next line) gives emphasis to the last word of the first line, as people are inclined to pause anyway at the end of a line. Use this carefully. For example,

"with coarse fur, that chases a Frisbee as if there", you emphasize "there", which adds nothing to the poem, imho.

"brown colors stones" is this correct? Do you mean colored?

"a head of me" ahead is one word.

I agree with Les, I think the last paragraph would come out better in the present tense as well.

Furthermore, is there a reason some lines are a lot longer than others? To me it looks messy.

On the whole, you do a very good job. I find your descriptions interesting, and you seem to be able to find original ways of describing what is around you. You just need to work a bit on the technical part of poetry.

Good luck with your assignment.

Yahbut, what's the assignment? Just to write the poem above? If so, a quick read shows these problems, at least to my mind:


The graveled path twists and turns [present tense]
through the park. Tiny stones and brittle leaves
[are?] crushed beneath my Nike[hypen]clad feet.
Eleven o’clock, not morning and still
not the afternoon. There is a fountain
in the middle of the park. Old grey stone,
a headless cupid in the middle, poised delicately
and aiming blindly for your heart. Faces of dead
president [Washington on quarters? Confusing.] drown at the bottom [comma] staring up sadly
through murky water.

Further [farther] on a boy walks his dog, a great big Airedale
with coarse fur, that chases [chasing is better?] a Frisbee as if there
is [were?] nothing else more important in the world.
To my left is a boxed desert, with an ancient
playground. [Excellent image!] The vinyl paint has chipped away
and the shiny steel, mercury[hyphen]colored,
reflects the sunlight.

Continuing on [comma] the path breaks off, a grass path [need synonym]
joining the red and brown colors [colored) stones. Moving
on to the grass, worn away by the many feet who [who? can feet be who?]
traveled here a head [ahead] of me, I come upon a bridge.
It would be delightful to say that this bridge led [leads?]
to some place of importance. [:colon?] Terabithia, Avalon,
or across the river Styx to Cerberus’ [Cerberus's?] gates.

Crossing warped wooden planks [comma?] I felt [past tense]
invis[i]ble threads of spider silk on my bare skin.
With each step I swore there were echoes of
ghost[s] followings[no 's']. Perhaps it was Eurydice and
I was Orpheus leading her out of Hell across
a bridge that led to New York. Should I turn
and look and condemn her again? I never
looked, just kept crossing until I came
out on Fifth Avenue and the rush of traffic
passed me by.


Should be at least a B+. Pretty well done, that is. Held my interest throughout.