Satireday, May 10, 2003:
MOTHER’S DAY. That early May day (an internationally recognized distress call) when mothers are warmly held in high esteem: that traditionally coming off of the hot kitchen stove. So beloved and pampered is she, this mother of all days, that if her various hard-driving masters and mistresses deem the holiday meal exceptionally satisfactory, this common bondservant is often able to successfully negotiate her own brief emancipation—whereupon she is customarily held in even higher esteem: that coming off of the overloaded, overheated dishwasher. When late in the evening this dependable machine (a Maytag, naturally) has finished her final rinse cycle, how doesn’t she bask in motherly glow upon being informed by loving slave drivers that every other day of the year just like it has been officially declared, in her honor, Other’s Day. How then isn’t her happiness made complete simply to know that she is held, ever so heartwarmingly, in the highest domestic esteem of all: that rising in great ominous clouds (now that she has reached the mother of all boiling points) from under her collar.
O mother dear, three hundred-six-
ty-four days of the year
We take your swell nine-month-long fix,
For granted—that we’re HERE.
But now (today is Mother’s Day:
Three hundred-sixty-five),
Mother, we, in our owngrateful way,
Thank God that we’re alive!
Yes, mother, that’s the wonted way,
For all your hellish bother,
To turn around, this Mother’s Day,
And thank our Heavenly FATHER
Who but conceived of us—then slept!—
Whilst all the PAINS you had,
So, mom, this day (the tears you wept!)
We thank our DEADBEAT DAD.
O pray, dear and blest honoree,
Take heart this Mother’s Day,
If, in thanking Father (children we)
Get quite carried away
In our begotten thankfulness—now,
Dry each bitter tear.
Only, mother, think—GOD!—how
We’ll thank you come next year!
ZOO, n.
“It’s where quite the wildest animals live in bars
—And are widely known to be every bit as cagey.
They’re from Venus,” barkeeps tell us, “—and from Mars,
And both stagey—and most sexually UPstagey.
Yes, it’s quite a beastly odd ménagerie,
And zoogoers can do naught but stand in awe,
Captivated by their beastliality
—Especially the ménagerie-à-trois!
“God, a place where there’s no shortage of horny beasts,
And fully as many beastly tales (do tell!)
Yes, it’s quite the site for voyeuristic feasts
This earthly looky-looing side of Hell;
For, so spectre(“Really!”) each shows their true colors,
When gazed on with such shameless voyeurism,
Each horny beast, in all its sexu-allures
Feels it’s gawked upon as if in some damned prism.
“Oh, there’s some who think it’s cruel such beasts to keep
In bars for scientists to gape upon,
And in commisseration sadly weep,
To hear them urging “Will you get it on!”
Then study every move they make and take note
Of every cry and bellow that they utter.
(God! it’s such a zoo to hear them so emote
But it’s how we barkeeps earn our bred and butter.)
“Thus, think not of us bar/zookeeps too unkindly,
O all of you humane SPCArs,
We trust that you will see—and none too blindly
—We poor barkeeps are the ones BEHIND the bars!
So all you animal rites activists—pray, DO weep!
—WAIL for the cagey beasts!—we urge you to.
Only promise us you’ll LOOK before you leap
Next time that you are up the old Wah! Zoo.”
But, hey, satire-starved readers—these are not the only tasty, rib-sticking morsels in this weak’s Hellphabet Soup du jour—as usual, dished out exclusively @ [luciferslexicon.com]. There are literally huge chunks of BABYSITTER, GAME WARDEN, HEAVEN, IMMORTALITY, UNDERPANTS, VANITY —and more! In fact, it’s so perditionally complete that a select group of readers who were very well served earlier today said that they were so totally fed up that they were of the unanimous opinion that it was nothing less than a full-coarse shlmiel!
Until Satireday then.
I've been to the zoo. Your description is perfect! Except that the places I see the zookeepers frequenting are wilder than the places where they work.
Les
I REALLY LOVE THIS SO MUCH YOU HAVE SKILLS GIRL