He's gone but not forgotten
where he used to hang about.
We miss him somethin' rotten,
that libidinous old trout

Moved on to greener pastures
is what his pals all say.
'Never mind the silly bastard'.
'He'll be back around some day'.

He had a way about him
just like he really knew ya.
It's not the same without him,
a drop of the old peculier.

I asked @ poetry.com
He hadn't been 'round there.
At the Rose & Crown somebody's mom
was in his usual chair!

I recall at least a dozen times
when I was in a jam,
He'd he help me with a tricky rhyme
or trochees or iambs

I understand why he has gone,
that crotchety old fart.
Too much chit-chat going on.
It aint poetry or art.

So raise your glass to absent friends
before the beer goes flat.
Here's hoping he returns again
from wife and bath and cats!

a. I miss him too, lovely poem. jhs

no comment

for all that I was one of the reasons he left, I miss him too, crotchety and all.
Lizz

Stephen---saving your place Ell

You realize it isn’t fair
For him to leave us flat,
With due respect, he doesn’t have
To sit and read the chat.

There’s poetry to read and more,
Some good, some bad, some worse,
And lots of folks are trying,
His wisdom to rehearse.

So if you think I’ve missed him,
You’d better think some more,
Because he’s bloody pissed me off
By closing shut the door.

And if he should come back this way,
Our crotchety old peer,
He’d better come with hat in hand,
And with a pint of beer.

JP--well said--and maybe some gin laughing Ell

I should have made that a 'case' Ell, don't think a pint would suffice. I don't like beer though, it's rather peculier. JP

Jack,
I don't see your name under here, thought you and Stephen were buddy's. Great poem, don't you think? JP

I know, I know - 'buddies'

JP-

Though I concur with the sentiment, I disagree with the conclusion. The identity of the subject of the piece is only hinted at with vague, personal references. It is obvious that 'a' misses a buddy, but realistically, I think his time would be better spent looking elsewhere.

JP-

As far as 'Great Poem?' it is clever at best. We have to be careful here, lest he starts signing on with a capital A!

'vague personal references' I think they are pretty obvious, and so did everyone else. Anyway I hope 'he' appreciates the poem. I just don't like untidy endings, would like to know what happened, maybe his computer crashed, I just hope he didn't. Ah! so now we know a 'he' wrote the poem. JP

JP-

We know nothing of the kind. This could very well turn out to be an unfounded supposition. 'He' is held in high esteem in many circles, if 'he' is indeed the subject of this piece. In any event, I think 'he' would get a laugh out of all the conjecture and speculation this little ditty has stirred up. We may never know. I get the impression that 'User Submitted' is a room he no longer frequents overtly, though I thought I noticed the eyes moving in that painting of A.E. Housman the other day. 'He' may be looking down on all of us (and not in that 'heavenly' way!).

What picture? I didn't see a picture.

JP-

Well it's not actually IN 'User Submitted'. It's the in that short hallway to 'Homework Assistance', next to the pallid bust of Pallas. They moved it there when they expanded the 'General Forum' a few months back. The new track-lighting reflected badly on it.

Yeah, Thanks Jack, I'm afraid the door was locked, and I couldn't find the key.

Just for a handful of silver he left us,
Just for a riband to stick in his coat..........

Shakespeare was of us, Milton was for us,
Burns, Shelley, were with us,--they watch from their graves!........

We shall march prospering,--not thro' his presence;
Songs may inspirit us,--not from his lyre;...........

Somehow, I'm sad. JP

A - the answer my friend, is blowing in the wind!!!!!

JP-


You're losing me.

Jack, Gotcha. Look how you signed in this time 12.46.184. I knew it all the time. JP

JP-

I thought everyone got it. There is no way to not leave a 'paper-trail that I know of.





psssssssst (keep it under your hat. maybe nobody will notice!)

Well maybe I'm just slow.

JP-

It's not the best work anyway. Let's attribute it to A. Nonymous.

Great poem...
if this is about Mr Englishman from Ashford, Kent, - -
I miss him, too.
siren

siren-


I thought this tidbit would get the old trout to the surface, but he's not biting.

Yeah. Damnit. Let's post the whole discussion on his personal mailbox, harhar!!
fierce grinning
siren

Glad to know someone else besides me misses the guy great poem and to think its about good ole stephen

Where he has gone
That freind we once known
Oh where has he gone
I click on that my connection
I hear that old repeating chime that never stops a whining
I load up ie like a slow turtle
Loading onto the good old emule
To see no good man they call stephen
I miss him oh i do
A good freind to you
A good freind to lots of us

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice

siren-

If I can't figure out how to hide a paper trail, how am I supposed to know how to do THAT?


No. The beauty of this forum is that it is voluntary. He'll visit again if he wishes to. In the meantime I propose we misspell like crazy, submit horrid rhyme, and say bad stuff about cats and Englishmen!



Yes, ... I can hear it now... doo doo dum de dum go out in the midday sun!

Simply mark everything we said, press control + C, so you save it unseen, then you click on one of Stephen's posts where his name is written in grey and send him a mail . And when you want to add our messages, press control + V. That's it.
siren

siren-


Sounds like a lot of work. Besides, I believe he sneaks in here from time to time incognito. There was some guy in 'Homework Assistance' just yesterday. You may remember him. Sunglasses, big hat, trenchcoat with cat hair on it? He was speaking in an OBVIOUSLY false French accent, telling some kid he would not do his homework for him until he had more information!

Jack, I'm beginning to worry about you. First hallucinations, seeing eyes moving from a picture that obviously wasn't there, now paranoid delusions about some guy in a trenchcoat sneaking around. Perhaps you have spent too much time out in the midday sun with that errant Englishman. JP

'Is he in Ashford, or is he in Kent?
That damned elusive English gent.'

JP-

Just because i'm delusional, doesn't mean it didn't happen. How do you explain his absence at the last COFFEE club meeting?



Crotchety

Old

Farts

For

Eliptical

Elocution



We talk a lot, but never seem to get anything done.

Oh Jack, I just heard the sad news. He went to Blackpool for some R&R, and this was splashed all over the front page of the Daily Mail. A great loss to our little community. JP

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Stephen being tired of the chatter
Went there to get ‘im some sun,

A grand old fart was our Stephen
All dressed in ‘is best; quite a swell
With a cane with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

‘e didn't think much to the Ocean
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded
Fact, nowt much to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
‘e paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels
And old ale, ‘peculier’ to you.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
‘is nose were all covered with scars
‘e lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of ‘is face on the bars.

Now Stephen ‘ad ‘eard about lions
‘ow they was ferocious and mean
To see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the old bean.

So straight 'way the crotchety old feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took ‘is cane with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And bunged it in Wallace's ear.

You could see the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
‘e pulled Stephen inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the old fart 'ole.

JP-

That's simply wonderful! But I don't think he'll appreciate being called an old fart 'ole.








Just re-read it. It's grand. I hope you're around when I bugger off.

Almost fell off my chair laughing, you're good for the soul Jack. Afraid I can't take most of the credit for this one though. It's one of Stanley Holloway's monologues, spoken in thick Yorkshire or Lancashire accent, I can't remember which. 'Albert and the Lion' - just took a few liberties.
I don't however see that you can think it's wonderful that Stephen met his end in such a horrible way, all they ever found were his shoes. Hence the expression 'popped his clogs' JP

One of Stephen's favourites, I might add.

How's this for a start?

Poor old Jack, he's buggered off
To the land of milk and honey,
Followed by ten thousand bears
Who didn't find him funny.

JP-


Thanks for the START on a tribute. It really could be fleshed out a bit. I know it's hard to rhyme some of these, but you might consider superlatives such as:

Genius, Brilliant, Witty, Handsome, Considerate, Generous, Prompt (how did that get in here?) ... Oh, and don't forget, Humble!


The problem with having an acerbic sense of humor is that when I am trying to be DRY, it comes off as mean-spirited (which I am not). Then when i'm TRYING to be a prick, people chuckle and say, 'Oh that Jack and his acerbic wit!'.


I think the folks @ emule know me by now.


Thanks again.



Oh, by the way, I have never injured an animal of any kind. The bears have NO sense of humor. I know... I know... you're thinking i'm this big hunter and fisherman. It's a long story.

Your wish is my command, and I know you love animals. JP.

Poor old Jack, he’s buggered off
To the land of milk and honey,
Followed by ten thousand bears,
Who didn’t think him funny
When he chased them ‘round with pepper spray,
That’s not BRILLIANT for my money.
Though folks remember him quite well
For his WITTY sense of humor,
And others think him HANDSOME,
Though I hear that’s just a rumor.
CONSIDERATE and GENEROUS,
With a GENIUS I.Q.
PROMPT but never HUMBLE,
Do we all agree that’s you?.

JP-

You really SHOULDN'T have! Though some of these are rather left-handed compliments.







I suppose I must confess that my previous statements were not entirely true.






(I'm not really THAT prompt)

This should do the trick. If he comes back at all, it will only be to tell us to piss off!

Lately reported in Blackpool
in a lions' cage he is stuck
Must be some other old fool
cause that place is 'common as muck'

R&R is surely no joke
Our Stephen has never been dumb
enough to be mixin' in a coke
when he prefers rum and rum!

Speakin' of canes an' there 'andles
'orse 'ead or otherwise, mates
'E don't mind the theives an' the vandals
It's droppin' the haiches 'e 'ates

Meself, I thinks 'es gone sailin'
A voice 'as been 'eard in the fog
usually cursin' or wailin'
'Get me outta this flippin' French bog!'

It's a good thing he's not around, or he'd surely call me on the carpet.

'there 'andles'
THEIR!





There, that's better.

Jack,
I am happy indeed to find it was a case of mistaken identity. I looked through the BT phone book and there are many Stephen Fryers, and as you pointed out Blackpool is frequented by the hoi polloi, not a place you'd likely find him. So............he's stuck with the frogs, huh. I only hope he finds his way out of that marais, or is that morass, before we run out of material. Glad you enjoyed your epitaph, you're gonna need one. You are now qualified to be an 'onorary Yorkshireman, you dropped the requisite amount of 'aitches. JP

Come on the rest of you, the carpet's big enough for all.

JP-

All the Lancashire lads on Coronation street drop all the Hs, and stick them on words where they don't belong, like Haiches!


morais, morass the better, as far as he's concerned. It's a cleavage thing.

You are too funny Jack! I just found this one, and seeing as I was 60 last week, found it hilarious, thought I'd share. Now I know that Stephen wasn't being especially endearing when he called me an old trout.

Will I have to be sexy at sixty?
Will I have to keep trying so hard?
Well I'm just going to slump,
With my dowager's hump
And watch myself turn into lard.

I'm not going to keep exercising,
I'm not going to take HRT,
If a toy boy enquires
I'll say, "Hah! Hard luck squire!
Where were you in 73...?"

I'm not going to shave my moustaches,
I'm just going to let them all sprout,
My chins'll be double
All covered in stubble,
I'm going to become an Old Trout!

My beauty all gone and forgotten,
Vanished with never a quibble,
I'll sit here and just
Kind of gnaw at a crust
And squint at the telly, and dribble.

As my marbles get steadily fewer,
Must I battle to keep my allure?
Have I still got to pout
Now my teeth have come out
And my husband has found pastures newer?

Farewell to the fad and the fashion,
Farewell to the young and the free!
My passion's expired,
At bedtime... I'm TIRED!
Sexy and sixty? Not me!

hehehe!
now THAT is pretty dam skippy!
Sargirl

I had completely missed this thread, and though I was nodding off at my keyboard I just had to read every post.

JP, you are BRILLIANT for catching the IP numbers and matching them to good old Jack. You should have been MI6 or something.

Stephen told me last time that we exchanged email that he was trying to get into a creative writing course, and was excited by the prospect. I think that there was also mention of a move, but I can't recall at the moment. I am sure that he is doing just fine.

How's this for a start?

Poor old Jack, he's buggered off
To the land of milk and honey,
Followed by ten thousand bears
Who didn't find him funny.

He signed on simply as "a"
so as not to be mistaken a poet,
but the cunning JP caught him out,
and the truth, we now know it!

Jack is one of us now,
a maker of fractured prose
despite his comments to the contrary,
he's lost that uppity nose.

how's that ya ol' fart?

Dar's my tribute for ya Jack, hope you like!

Hrmmmmmmm...
my head gets boiling when I try to work this one out.
Whatcha mean?
siren

He's back! Now we're in trouble.

Siren,

Jack claims his isn't a poet, just a writer. That is why he tried sneaking this poem in under an anonymous heading. Check his IP and that of the mysterious "A" and you will see as JP pointed out that they are one and the same. Hehehe

Bruce-

I would never be so presumptuous as to sign on with an 'A'






a

Stephen come on, sign here, do us a favour and end this thread leading nowhere without your voice! puppy face
silent siren

I'm back, and with a new cane.

Who's first?

Stephen

Stephen-

So good to hear from you. I was about to put this thread out of it's misery.
Why a new cane? Did your old one smell of pepper-spray?

Ah, that old apostrophe. Still here, I see.

"It's" equals "it is".

You mean "its". Don't you?

Shall we discuss the cane, and its properties? It's time you were taught a lesson, in front of the whole forum.

Stephen

The nuns taught me that:
its = more than one it
it's = it is
its' = possesive of it when 'it' is the subject.

As far as I know the nuns were never wrong, though I occasionally slip up in iiitttsss application. WHACK! Thank you Sister! May I have another, Sister!?


I remember hanging around after school, to help out old Timmy Quinn (picture Barry Fitzgerald). He was a colorful old fart, who would tell off-color jokes at the drop of a hat. So this one day, I was around 8 or 9, pushing his janitors' trolley through the empty halls, while he threw this odd sawdust compound on slick spots where children had vomitted. We stopped at the janitors' closet (a large high-ceilinged affair) and I said 'Hey Timmy, what's them for?' (or some such) pointing to cases and cases marked 'sanitary napkins'. 'Oh... he stammered... sure, those are for the holy sisters'. To this, I naturally respond in my best disgruntled tone 'Great, and all WE get are those scratchy paper towels!' He burst out laughing so hard, I swear, I thought he was gonna keel over dead.

It's weird what memories pop effortlessly to a choirboy's mind after 40 years!


There's a poem in there somewhere.

Show it!
siren

Jack. Run that one by me again - the version that is <>.

Stephen

Maybe I'm just dumb, but when would one use "its" as in more than one it..?

Lady of the Night

Hi Stephen, Good to see you again. You know I would never call you an old fart 'ole, don't you. Jack just doesn't understand the intricacies of the Yorkshire dialect. Maybe he got his fingers stuck in the keyboard and meant 'tis. JP

Per Sister Mary Aurora-

its = more than one 'it'
it's = it is
its' = possesive form when 'it' is the possesive subject



She said it. I believe it. I'm too old to change now.




(besides, she's 88 now, and still hell-on-wheels with a yardstick!)

JP-

I suppose you're right. By Yorkshire or Lanchashire standards, Stephen would be considered a middle-aged fart 'ole.

Pardon my slowness, but.... 'ole?

Lady of the Night

Lady-

Cockney, Lancashire, Yorkshire (blue collar Brits) drop the Hs from lots of words, making a horse 'an 'orse'. So 'ole would naturally be... well, you get the picture.

That's what I thought, but then I guess I hadn't heard the term "fart" used in such way.

Silly brits!

Lady of the Night

Lady=

Actually, in this case they dropped two letters, the W and H of 'whole', but hole is funnier.

Lol, even still! Fart whole? Silly brits!

Lady of the Night

Lady-

If you go up a few posts you will see a submission by JP where she takes an old favorite (or favourite, if you will), and alters it slightly to make it appropriate for the subject. It ends with: ...swallowed the old fart 'ole'
meaning that the lion in question swallowed an old fart in one bite (whole).



You know, this stuff isn't nearly as funny when you explain it to death.

Well! Thankyou for finally clearing that up Jack.
Silly Brit.

There was some funny stuff in this one. Mostly at MODERATOR'S expense.

So glad you bumped this up Jack. I had a right good laugh when I got home from work. I think Stephen has probably forgiven us by now.

JP

Forgiven and loved.

Stephen

Good one.


Les

I laughed my saux off all over again. Stephen's one cool dude, we barely got a rise out of him.
Silly Brit.

bump for vic.

Fantastic entertainment. Albert and the Lion is definately Lancashire.
X

Why isn't Lancashire on this map? [www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch.uk] />
Les

Second column, sixth one down.

Thanks, Jack, how was I to know they call it Lancs? I found Kent, though.

Les

This was funny all over again.
I have tears in my eyes.
I wonder where the old fart 'ole is?

JP

Isabella,
I loved Stanley Holloway as a youngster.
Remember King 'Arald sitting on 'is 'orse with an arrer stuck in 'is eye?

Les,
Lancs and Yorks fought the Wars of the Roses.

JP, these lines from John Lennon made me wonder where it was:

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all

Stephen was just here Saturday: [www.emule.co.uk] />

Les

JP,
After I'd said Lancashire, I thought I really should check. I found this- [monologues.co.uk] (don't know how to make this into a link) It says that it's an origional recording. Listening closely there are a few words that are definately spoken with a Yorkshire accent, but taken as a whole I'd say very west Yorkshire/East Lancs. They used to change the border all the time though, and there are now quite a few places that are classified as Lancashire that were origionally in Yorkshire. I couldn't find anything to say that Stanley Holloway lived there though?? I heard Albert and the Lion as a youngster, and a few of the others, but not the one you mentioned. Hope you can find the above site. It will remind you of home and of how much your accent has changed!

Turns out I do know how to post a link!!

Thanks Isabella,

But I don't think I ever did talk quite like that - 'e's a bit broad is that 'un.

JP

JP, How long have you been away from home??? If you take away the over emphasis, for the sake of performance, and to slightly force some of the meter, I can hear my Grandma's voice. Even now, It's not that far removed from how people speak! Are there no Yorkshire people or Lancastrians here who could back me up??
X

On this day...
August 22:


1485 - The Battle of Bosworth Field decisively ended the Wars of the Roses.

And we lost!

Which reminds me of "Richard of York gained battles in vain",a mnemonic we learned in school for the colors of the rainbow

That's better than "Roy G. Biv" !

THere's a shoe store called "Richard York" here on Long Island, but I don't think there's a connection.

Forget the poem that kicks it off, this is one of the funniest threads I've read here.

As I was reading about Lancashire, and the goofy way the Brits pronounce it, I was brung a thought of a day in Greybull Wy when a Zlander sez to a North Carolina boy, "So why is it that 'Louisville is one sylable and shit's two?"

Best part of being a Mormon boy is we only heard the story of Nuns and how they larned folks stuff, with rulers, pointers, etc. We had the two hundred year old spinsters from Albion Normal, who, with a bun on the back of their heads and a glare could turn a sixth grade boy to stone. I know a tanker pilot who graduated from Catholic schools, and has a journalism degree from Notre Dame. My new inkjet prints sloppy compared to Mr. Reifenberg.

Yorkshure is one of my favorites too.

Now is the winter of our dis-con-tent. Made glorious summer by this sun of York. Or Son of York. Or I'll trade my kingdom for a horse,, or I lost my kingdom for want of a horse.

I'm still against tectonic shifting, vampire bats, and Jewish arabs.

Gee Alice, I missed the Roy G. Biv thing. I like your'n better.

Richard of York gained battles in vain.

Ruination of your good booze is vino.

Electronic resisters values..
black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, gray, white.
Bad boys ruined our young girls, but Violet gave willingly

Let a nag go up a grain elevator

A red indian thought he might eat turnips in church

George-ene's old granny rode a pig home yesterday.

Order of operation in math

Police exhumed my dead Aunt Sally.
(paranthese, exponent, multlpy, divide, add, subract)

Don't forget this one, Terry, for remembering the order of the planets:

My Very Easy Memory Jingle Seems Useful Naming Planets

There are more of these here: [www.flocabulary.com] />

Les

They're getting rid of Pluto, saying it's not a planet anymore.

Must be some legal issue

I suppose they'll nuke it or something to avoid future debate

Yeah, but we're getting 3 new ones, Ceres, Charon and Xena formerly known as UB313: [www.timesonline.co.uk] />

Les

King Henry Died Drinking Chocolate Milk
Kilo - Hecta - Deca - Deci - Centi - Milli
x1000 x100 x10 x0.1 x0.01 x0.001


He did?

This seems rather unlikely

Les, I think they changed their minds again, and we are going back to 8

Pluto (and Charon) would have been included in that definition

Since Clyde was in New Mexico when Pluto was discovered, it will always have planet status in that wonderful state. Actually, last I heard, the committee to present stuff to the board had decided that Pluto was indeed a planet. And Charon 'twere and 'twill always be it's only moon. There is a Tombaugh IMAX theater in Alamogordo,,(Which translates, "Fat cottonwood tree")

To move to NM, one must sign an agreement to believe in the Roswell incident, that there will always be at least nine planets, and that Spanish is the first language of the US of A. ¿Comprende? It´s sad, when I get tired I revert to Spanish. The US forest service doesn´t always know what I just said, which may be a blessing.

do you know that our own moon is the only known body in the universe without a proper name? Well, the moon and JP who is now known as Alice.

No offence please to Bruce, but our three dogs are named, Aurora, Bori, Alice. Aurora and Bori are high strung registered toy poodles,, Alice is a pound rescue mutt who´s father may have been from a good neighborhood. She´s the darling of the bunch.

I tried to learn the continents with a nemonic,, but couldn't remember what order to say AAAAENASA in, so I just learned them in decending order of gross continental product.

Favorite is still KISS... keep it simple, stupid.

Stop orbital mechanics!!!

[www.msnbc.msn.com] />

Gotta be for tax purposes

In my mind Pluto will always be remembered as Mickey's friend.

Les