he’s forty-two
and feeling short changed
and the only thing consistent
is his inability
to hold himself accountable
he used to bitch about smokers
but now Marlboro reds are his salvation
and he questions God’s existence
despite the majesty of the stars
that still dance over his skies at night
brilliant
confused
overwhelmed and under impressed
by a world of vast potential
stifled by childhood aches
and paining over all the injustices
that he can never seem
to work his way through
the past, to suffer
a future of insecurities
and a health that deteriorates
one puff at a time from
inhaling disappointment
and sucking on self doubt
as the days head fast to forty three
Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2009 11:07PM by frost42_24.
sherry,
Life is tough all over, but he sounds just complex enough to be interesting as a human being...flawed and open, still in his forties with plenty of room for change, if he lasts that long. I'd buy him a cup of coffee, and let him tell his own story, if he wanted.
That being said, this is a good poem, since it presents a credible character and is accessible.
The line break/stanza break at the end of the third stanza confused me. Maybe you can leave 'the past' with 'through' and drop 'to suffer' down to the next line.
Good work though.
Peter
Frosty:
"...inhaling disappointment and sucking on self doubt..."
An aptly descriptive phrase to sum up the essence of your protagaonist's character. Good poem.
Joe
Peter, does this work better?
I appreciate the feedback and am glad this came across okay.
Sherry,
Can't really say. When you read it aloud to yourself, where do you hear the need for a break? Anyway, such things are variable, partly depending on the reader.
Still,
A nice job.
Peter
when I read it to myself, I have to put it back the way it was...
thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Peter...as always.
Nicely done Sherry, some people really are trapped inside themselves. I enjoyed this one especially the second stanza.
Les
as i read the whole thing, its just normal that some lines dont match and some just fit great.. its just the way it is, its what we feel the time we write these lines..
great poem there, i really feel you in some level..
cheers
James
Provillus
Wartrol Review
James, thanks for reading and for the comments too.