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dissatisfied
Posted by: frost42_24 (98.226.171.---)
Date: October 16, 2021 10:20PM

he’s forty-two
and feeling short changed
and the only thing consistent
is his inability
to hold himself accountable

he used to bitch about smokers
but now Marlboro reds are his salvation
and he questions God’s existence
despite the majesty of the stars
that still dance over his skies at night
brilliant
confused

overwhelmed and under impressed
by a world of vast potential
stifled by childhood aches
and paining over all the injustices
that he can never seem
to work his way through

the past, to suffer
a future of insecurities
and a health that deteriorates
one puff at a time from
inhaling disappointment
and sucking on self doubt
as the days head fast to forty three

Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 10/17/2009 11:07PM by frost42_24.


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 03:12AM

sherry,

Life is tough all over, but he sounds just complex enough to be interesting as a human being...flawed and open, still in his forties with plenty of room for change, if he lasts that long. I'd buy him a cup of coffee, and let him tell his own story, if he wanted.

That being said, this is a good poem, since it presents a credible character and is accessible.

The line break/stanza break at the end of the third stanza confused me. Maybe you can leave 'the past' with 'through' and drop 'to suffer' down to the next line.

Good work though.

Peter


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: hpesoj (69.116.243.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 06:49AM

Frosty:

"...inhaling disappointment and sucking on self doubt..."

An aptly descriptive phrase to sum up the essence of your protagaonist's character. Good poem.

Joe


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: frost42_24 (98.226.171.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 12:01PM

Peter, does this work better?

I appreciate the feedback and am glad this came across okay.


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 07:19PM

Sherry,

Can't really say. When you read it aloud to yourself, where do you hear the need for a break? Anyway, such things are variable, partly depending on the reader.

Still,

A nice job.

Peter


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: frost42_24 (98.226.171.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 11:08PM

when I read it to myself, I have to put it back the way it was...

thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Peter...as always.


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: les712 (68.185.72.---)
Date: October 18, 2021 11:42AM

Nicely done Sherry, some people really are trapped inside themselves. I enjoyed this one especially the second stanza.

Les


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: frost42_24 (98.226.171.---)
Date: October 18, 2021 02:53PM

thanks, Les.


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: simon333 (124.105.178.---)
Date: February 07, 2022 08:42PM

as i read the whole thing, its just normal that some lines dont match and some just fit great.. its just the way it is, its what we feel the time we write these lines..

great poem there, i really feel you in some level..

cheers
James

Provillus
Wartrol Review


Re: dissatisfied
Posted by: frost42_24 (32.143.238.---)
Date: February 07, 2022 09:48PM

James, thanks for reading and for the comments too.




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