"Sunflowers, your eyes" you say
Your head facing forward, mind not there
"Sunflowers, your eyes
One in the same
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen"
And I stare into the Warrior's eyes
Looking for reason
And I ask the Seriph
What he sees in Teresa
I'm going to burn it down
Gather the ashes and circle them round
I will write songs about you
And your eyelids will come to know
That my heart is not truly here

G47,

beautiful piece, strong ending

Peter

I can't fully wrap myself around this, but I like it without knowing exactly why...if that makes any sense. The "Warriors eyes" threw me off.

Mary

I like the way your poem stays focused, nicely done.

Les

There is a static, artificial feel to your poem's theme. "mind not there" seems to suggest that! I like the central image; it has a sort of emptiness to it that adds to the feel of lacking passion!

K.Q.

Firstly, I really liked your poem - otherwise I wouldn't comment on it. Any comments you dislike or disagree with, just ignore them. It's just my take on what is a very interesting poem.

"Sunflowers, your eyes" you say - very strong beginning, consider using it as the title, I would just put the last two words in the next line

Your head facing forward, mind not there - "mind not there seems oddly phrased to me, you mean absent minded? There has got to be a better way of putting it

"Sunflowers, your eyes
One in the same
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen" - this part for me adds little to the poem, the repetition makes the first part less strong, less evocative.

And I stare into the Warrior's eyes
Looking for reason
And I ask the Seriph
What he sees in Teresa - this part of the poem I don't understand. Is the warrior the person saying "sunflowers, your eyes"? Seriph and Teresa are an unknown to the reader, sort of "blank" spaces, that the reader can fill in using his or her imagination. But if there is too much of this in one poem, some readers will not bother. And then some will :-)

I'm going to burn it down - (it meaning?)
Gather the ashes and circle them round - the images are intense, but simple
I will write songs about you
And your eyelids will come to know
That my heart is not truly here - the last two lines I really like, they have an element of surprise, they feel fresh, impressive

Here is what I would do with the poem:

"Sunflowers, your eyes"

you say, your head facing forward,
absently

and I stare into the your eyes
looking for reason

I ask the serifs
what do I see in Teresa

I'll burn it down, gather the ashes, circle them round
I'll write songs about you

And your eyelids will come to know
That my heart is not truly here

_

I changed some of the words so they would make more sense to me, that doesn't mean you should change them - just to let you see how I read (or misread) your poem.

Thanks for the read,
Veronika

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2009 02:16PM by Deja Vu.