I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes
Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky
Without looking out
Deducing the sky
Good line, Pete, a neat little poem.
Les
I like that line too, Deducing the sky without looking out. To me it resonates loneliness.
I really like it
Lana
Thanks, Lana. It's a very tentative piece.
pax,
Peter
Sounds like it's a very tentative peace, as well.
This reads very well aloud.
Joe
Thanks, Joseph. Yes, out loud it does sound ok.
Peter
I can't decide yet if this poem should read:
I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes
Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky
Without looking out
or if it should read:
I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes
Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky
--omitting the last line as simply extra explanation.
amo,
Peter
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2009 03:15PM by petersz.
Peter:
I don't think the last line is redundant despite the use of "deducing" in the line above. The poem feels flat without the line and, I think, loses some of its effectiveness. You may want to search for a satisfactory synonym for "deducing." On further readings, its use disturbs the flow of the poem just a bit.
Joe
It's of course, for you to decide, always Peter
I don't care much for "deducing" here.....sounds mathmatical or scientific
And I don't think you need the last line...."without looking out", but rather something in the preceeding line that would imply it well enough to be fully understood.
I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes
Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Imagining the sky
Mary
anticipating the sky?
"a" sky, rather than "the" may be effective as well.
contemplating
-or....I guess I don't mind "deducing" the sky afterall, but only without the original last line. The end is packed a little tighter without it, me thinks.
Mary
Thank you both, Mary and Joe, for your input on this one. Your responses are exactly what this forum is all about...helping other poets make decisions about a piece of work. The 'deducing', because it is so different from the plainness of the rest of the poem is actually the precise word I wanted to create a tiny bit of poetic tension in the diction of the piece. I will probably try both versions in public readings to find out how they feel in performance, which is often the setting which tells me the answer to my questions about diction and closure.
Again, you both did a great job in responding.
amo,
Peter