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[no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 12, 2021 03:28PM

I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes

Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky
Without looking out


Re: [no title]
Posted by: les712 (66.189.173.---)
Date: October 13, 2021 05:55PM

Deducing the sky

Good line, Pete, a neat little poem.

Les


Re: [no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 13, 2021 10:21PM

Thanks, Les


Re: [no title]
Posted by: g47 (209.166.105.---)
Date: October 14, 2021 08:01AM

I like that line too, Deducing the sky without looking out. To me it resonates loneliness.

I really like it


Lana


Re: [no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 14, 2021 03:38PM

Thanks, Lana. It's a very tentative piece.

pax,

Peter


Re: [no title]
Posted by: hpesoj (69.116.243.---)
Date: October 14, 2021 06:01PM

Sounds like it's a very tentative peace, as well.

This reads very well aloud.

Joe


Re: [no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 15, 2021 04:12AM

Thanks, Joseph. Yes, out loud it does sound ok.

Peter


Re: [no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 16, 2021 03:14PM

I can't decide yet if this poem should read:

I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes

Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky
Without looking out

or if it should read:

I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes

Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Deducing the sky

--omitting the last line as simply extra explanation.

amo,

Peter

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2009 03:15PM by petersz.


Re: [no title]
Posted by: hpesoj (69.116.243.---)
Date: October 16, 2021 09:11PM

Peter:

I don't think the last line is redundant despite the use of "deducing" in the line above. The poem feels flat without the line and, I think, loses some of its effectiveness. You may want to search for a satisfactory synonym for "deducing." On further readings, its use disturbs the flow of the poem just a bit.

Joe


Re: [no title]
Posted by: UPMarty (71.86.176.---)
Date: October 16, 2021 09:30PM

It's of course, for you to decide, always Peter

I don't care much for "deducing" here.....sounds mathmatical or scientific
And I don't think you need the last line...."without looking out", but rather something in the preceeding line that would imply it well enough to be fully understood.

I am racing
Sloth-like
To the door
As it opens
And closes and closes

Adjusting angles
And attitudes
Imagining the sky

Mary


Re: [no title]
Posted by: UPMarty (71.86.176.---)
Date: October 16, 2021 09:35PM

anticipating the sky?

"a" sky, rather than "the" may be effective as well.

contemplating

-or....I guess I don't mind "deducing" the sky afterall, but only without the original last line. The end is packed a little tighter without it, me thinks.

Mary


Re: [no title]
Posted by: petersz (24.7.60.---)
Date: October 17, 2021 03:05AM

Thank you both, Mary and Joe, for your input on this one. Your responses are exactly what this forum is all about...helping other poets make decisions about a piece of work. The 'deducing', because it is so different from the plainness of the rest of the poem is actually the precise word I wanted to create a tiny bit of poetic tension in the diction of the piece. I will probably try both versions in public readings to find out how they feel in performance, which is often the setting which tells me the answer to my questions about diction and closure.

Again, you both did a great job in responding.

amo,

Peter




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