I Reside Very Near A Truth
Caring for and valuing myself is an unfamiliar notion.
While satisfying wants and desires is a skill I have, and use.
There is a fat blurry line between these two satisfactions.
And it feels the former has escaped my grasp for decades.
If I want ice cream I will have ice cream.
If staying longer at the tavern suits me, I can do that.
But these are fleeting acts that serve what Sufis call the nafs.
Ice cream and liquor are not deeply felt desires of my soul.
When I feel this ache of loneliness and self-loathing
It does not matter that the sun is dancing between the clouds.
Birds are singing praise songs to me, and I am not listening.
I’m too busy complaining about the rain forecast for tomorrow.
I have a special container of reasons to belittle myself,
And I use the contents to paint over any beauty that may appear.
Then when I awake to see what I am doing, I shame myself
For not paying attention to my true worth, and my heart’s wants.
If you recognize a little of this in yourself then you know
How painfully hard it is to break the pattern of shaming
And you know well how to reside in this place of self denial.
And you know that staying here is as familiar as breathing.
Steve Diebold May 2009
Steve,
This is very thoughtful and logical. Words of wisdom about yourself. I think Ian would call it a Pensee. Thanks for sharing your clear-sighted meditation with us.
amo,
Peter
Thanks peter. Haven't written much in a long while so i just tossed up something to make a sound.
Simplistic, to the point, depressing. Just the sort of uplifting thing to wake up to on a Saturday. Oh well, feelings come and feelings go. On to the next mood.
Oh well, feelings come and feelings go. On to the next mood.
Amen to that, brother.
Steve,
I appreciate how you open yourself up in your writing. I hope you stick around and write more.
Mary
Thank you. I just hope I get to stick around at all. Writing is a bonus.
when no appreciation's left
of life, its simple joys
he staves off the inevitable
with bugs and drugs and toys