To be perfectly honest I don't know what to say
My energy is taught, I yearn to speak or act
Nearly explode and yet the neurons seem confused
Between the CNS and PNS
I am alive but don't know how to live

Questions that I asked, they have no answers
Searched for truth, find myself webbed in truths
Willing to conform and live to please
I'm pulled between opposing sides
And their demands for sacrifice

If truth and knowledge are like an interesting array of colors
Dependent on imagination and individual perception
Then I am lost and all I know
Is what my mother taught me when I was four
Reality is not worth seeking anymore

That's a sad ending, mg. Life is in the seeking. It can remain interesting and worthwhile even if it never turns out to be quite what we think it might be or should be. Some lessons, even the ones we've learned from mommy and daddy, are worth unlearning.

amo,

Peter

It is sad. Life is sad. I want to quit. I have no problem with searching if there was something to be found. What use is living if there's nothing to live for? What use are theories if there is no truth? And if I grab to sanity and say there are answers, there is truth, I just need to look... why is my mind still so divided? Or when I think I believe something, why do I find arguments against it perfectly reasonable. And if I say, okay I'll just follow so and so, why then do I find someone even more intelligent or equally so? Life is about seeking what? And for what purpose are the lessons?

Peter, thank you for reading and thank you for your comment. Sorry for that little rant. DOn't think i'm attacking you in what I said. If anything I'm attacking myself because i don't understand.


thanks.

No offense taken whatsoever, mg. Life is a lot tougher to handle than can be imagined by the Pollyannas. Ask Merc. Ask Mary. Ask Kris over in England. It is just plain hard for us all. I know that is not much solace when you're focusing on how hard it is for yourself.

Making do and surviving are honorable things in the face of it all. And there are unexpected pleasures, even if not on a grand scale for most of us. I won't bore you with stories about the bad old days. Anytime a fiend makes me welcome or a stranger is generous to me or even when it does not involve me at all, the wondrous depth of human beings despite the economic and political and cultural stuff.

Just hang in there>

amo,

Peter

Hey Peter,
thank you. You don't bore me. It's good to be reminded to not be so self absorbed also. I know some people actually have very difficult and complicated lives. If there is a God, I'm blessed. I have two parents, i have a few close friends. I have both legs and arms and a brain that works (though it drives me nuts). I have bad days and things to get through but I'm 24, I'm sure there will be many more things if I live to have gray hair.
I really want to know how to live, and what to live for. I want to know how to understand the world. Ah.. anyway. I'm glad you didn't take offense. Thank you for your thoughful responses.

Mg,

Depressed moods can feel very crushing, and it's probably no help for people to tell you to look on the bright side, you'll get over it, it will pass, etc, etc.

Alcohol and drugs and self-harm are very bad solutions. Glad you don’t appear to be contemplating those.

Proper medication could well help - depends on the details; but could well be worth getting professional help on, if available where you are.

A few other suggestions:

So long as you are not starving, or leaving close dependents starving or in danger, find someone outside your home who needs physical help (maybe someone old and frail who needs things lifted, or someone going blind who would like to be read to, or someone lonely who would welcome sympathetic visits - there are lots of possibilities) and offer to be a helper in your spare time, maybe as part of a respectable charity organisation that needs volunteers. You can at least try that out, and will always be free to cease, or cut it back in frequency, depending on how it works out for you. When you see what afflictions others have, and find that you can help alleviate them, you might find your personal clouds lifting.

Study some creative thinking techniques - maybe some of the classic books by Edward de Bono, such as 'Lateral Thinking' and 'Six Thinking Hats', and amuse yourself, preferably in company with a few other people, trying them out on close-at-hand items and problems. When, as will occasionally happen, you get a eureka moment and come up with some really ingenious idea or practical solution, you will feel excited enough to forget your problems for a while. Even the impractical ideas can be fun to contemplate.

If your life circumstances permit, buy a puppy, but only if you are able and willing to treat it kindly and reciprocate its unconditional friendship and lifetime loyalty. Dogs can be very compassionate and cheering companions. [Sorry, if you are more of a cat person!] If it's impracticable for you to own a pet, you might be able to help as a volunteer in an animal shelter. Distressed animals need help much as distressed people do.

Getting back to the first purpose of this site, Poetry, -- as you are a poet, go back to some of the classics, and collect some that you really love and re-read them and luxuriate in their language. Feel their value as part of the heritage of humanity (at least English speaking humanity!). Try making them part of you, by learning them by heart, and feel how that enriches your spirit and your mind.

Finally, don't worry about the difficulties of defining ultimate truths and ultimate purposes. You are far too young to expect to have accomplished that! Great philosophers and scientists have spent lifetimes on such issues without reaching the same conclusions. Enjoy the existence of alternative points of view as interesting, and liberating you to choose (and chop and change when you feel like it), not as causes for distress and disillusion.

Hope some of this helps.

Ian

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your kind advice. I'm surprised you care enough to write it when you don't even know me. I can't do all of the things you suggest but will do some of them. You are wise. Some of the things you've said I've heard before, but they are the right things. I don't know if you know what i mean. It is not uncommon for depressed people to receive the sort of sympathy and advice that encourages them to dig deeper into their hole. Of course the thing that will brighten my heart is to focus on another's. Of course. Ironic that all I want to do is build a thicker wall and be alone.

I look forward to getting the books you suggested. I love books as well as ideas. Both can be unbelievably exciting. Thank you. Yes, I love poetry too. Do you have favorite poets to recommend?

As for defining ultimate truths... For the moment I am not worried. Still, how I wish that it were all clearer. That if there is a G-d that He would speak to us all at once. That people wouldn't kill. That people didn't kill. I must sound dumb and naive but honestly I don't know how the world went on after WWII and some of the other atrocities done before that time and since. I've watched Schindler's List and thought- the world must have ended then. The sun turned black and the cruel earthly life melted away. But it didn't, and here we are and I just don't understand. I guess I'm not the first and maybe I am a little dumb.

Ian, thank you, you did help.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2021 09:56PM by mg.