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clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 09, 2022 07:19PM

you're on my mind today
with deep, tender emotion
and a love that resides
in the pit of my stomach
and dances in the sky
on the wings of butterflies
with the felicity
of having just
escaped the cocoon-
you carry me quietly
to the kind of places
I would have
never seen without you
and always free me
to reveal my truest self
and despite the rough edges
you recognized me
and helped me
see myself again
through kinder eyes

I am thinking of you today...

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/09/2021 09:12PM by frost42_24.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: petersz (69.181.22.---)
Date: April 09, 2022 08:27PM

frosty,

yes.

you carry me quietly
to the kind of places
I would have
never seen without you
and always free me
to reveal my truest self
and despite the rough edges
you recognized me
and helped me
see myself again
though kinder eyes

I am thinking of you today...

well said.

Should 'though kinder eyes' be 'through kinder eyes'?

amo,

Peter

p.s., I like the title.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 09, 2022 09:13PM

Peter, thanks for catching my typo. Yes. THROUGH. I'm glad you liked the poem and the title. I always struggle with naming poems but I liked this one. I'm glad you commented on the title, especially.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: les712 (68.185.83.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 12:22AM

Nicely done, Sherrie. One of my deepest regrets about not being able to post is missing great verse like this. Carry on...


Les

p.s. Thanks for the invite Peter.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 01:49AM

les, thanks. Why can't you post?


Re: clandestine
Posted by: hpesoj (69.116.241.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 08:54AM

Frosty:

Beautiful poem from start to finish. One thought: "felicity" in Line 7 seemed awkward to me. "Joy" or "bliss" sounds better (to my ear, anyway) without spoinling the poem's meaning or musicality.

Joe


Re: clandestine
Posted by: Merc (70.193.159.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 11:05AM

geeeeze I got back in....

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2021 11:05AM by Merc.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 02:33PM

Joe, thanks for your time and your comments. I'm glad you liked it. As per the felicity, that was my favorite part! heehe. I do appreciate your POV, but only typically edit when it's a typo.

Thank you for genuine feedback. I always hear it...and even though I rarely revise the poem based on peoples' input (because in theory I oppose editing orginal thoughts), I DO take that insight with me in to the next poem and it influences future pieces and helps me improve...so thanks!


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 10, 2022 02:33PM

also, welcome back, Merc.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: pooyan_n (212.120.203.---)
Date: April 13, 2022 04:46PM

Hi...

Nice job yet it's a bit prosaic. try using more metaphoric phrases & I'm sure you'll find your own poetic diction.Something is missing in your poetry...maybe a moment of shocking revelation, striking your reader deep down somewhere.

Sorry! I just think you're better than this.


see ya...

P.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: April 13, 2022 05:02PM

P, thanks for your feedback. As for something is missing in my poetry, I want to invite you to dig up some of the older stuff and read it if you're judging my poetry overall by the things I've posted in the last several months-which I would agree aren't that hot. I'm trying to break out of some writer's block.

Nonetheless, I like this one. Thanks for you comments though. I do appreciate the feedback. I never think of poetry as am exercise of working in elements of metaphor, or trying to get a particular result, other than expressing myself. But, you raise good points that I will take to heart.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/14/2009 01:56AM by frost42_24.


Re: clandestine
Posted by: les712 (68.185.64.---)
Date: May 11, 2022 09:48PM

forward


Re: clandestine
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: May 11, 2022 11:30PM

thanks, Les.




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