(Inspired by Sherry's poem, "stifled")
I will leave the curtains
where they are
resting on the sill.
When the air is still
and the world is closed.
That my eyes won't
fall upon that which
I wasn't meant to see.
There are days like those
when the sound of pins
crashing to the floor
is window enough.
I will let the curtains dance
ballet upon the breeze
flutter with the leaves
and I am opened
to catch glimpse
the pirouettes and crescendos...
Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2009 02:25PM by UPMarty.
Nicely done, Mary, I missed this one earlier.
Les
Thanks for commenting, Les. It's curious how some poems seem to invite views, but no comments.
Mary
Really liked this Mary,
Especially:
"when the sound of pins
crashing to the floor
is window enough"
Although I did have problems scanning! I have reworked it in a fashion that is obviously annoying, but looks neater and to my eye and ear scans a little better, take it as you will:
I will leave the curtains
where they are
resting on the sill.
Where the air is still
and the world is closed.
Where my eyes won't
befall, that which
I wasn't meant to see.
There are days like those
when the sound of pins
crashing to the floor
is window enough...
I will let the curtains dance
ballet upon the breeze
fluttering with the leaves
and I am opened
to catch a glimpse of
the pirouettes and crescendos...
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2009 09:11PM by larkinabout.
Thanks, Kris. Yes, your tweaks are an improvement. Not annoying at all. It's funny you brought it up because I noted the same problem in my other recent poem, but didn't do anything about it. I don't think it's a matter of laziness, as much as some mental obstruction that I can't quite identify (more like not being able to finnish a project or not wanting to make a final decision). Thanks again for bringing it to my attention.
Mary
I will let the curtains dance
ballet upon the breeze
A beautiful metaphor and image, Mary.
Kris has ironed out a few wrinkles, and corrected a couple of obvious typographic omissions in the last two lines, but it's still in all substance your poem.
Your own comment on it suggests you are suffering from something that seems to be afflicting countless people these days, namely, a sort of exhaustion from dealing with unexpected difficulties close at hand while contemplating too many unexpected problems afar. Full credit to you then for keeping on writing!
There's one word that puzzles me - "befall" (which means "happen" or "occur"). That could make sense in the second stanza if you inserted "to" before "my" and removed the comma after "befall", but I'm not sure whether that would then say what you meant.
Ian
t's curious how some poems seem to invite views, but no comments.
I think many young people here on the forum simply post to see their poems online. While we oldsters tend to care more about how others interpret our work. It is sort of curious though.
Les
Ian, thank you for your comments. I appreciate the reasurance that others suffer such mental afflictions from dealing with life's difficulties.
I find your comment about "befall" interesting because it isn't the first time someone questioned, or was puzzled, about the way I used a word. It usually has to do with using a verb or adjective as a noun or vice versa. It isn't purposeful. I usually write poems the way they come to me. I'd be interested to know if you find it a gross misuse, if it caused you to stumble/stop, or if you think it detracts from the poem?
If your answer is yes to any of those questions, then I should tend to question it as a flaw in my writing (like using seen for saw: "I seen her at the store yesterday" fingernails on chalkboard). If your answer is no to all, then I'd rather like to accept it as is.
I wrote "Curtains" in direct (and immediate) response to Sherry's poem and Peter's comment to Sherry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
stifled
Posted by: frost42_24 (67.185.193.---)
Date: February 23, 2022 01:07PM
oh, great regret
not for what I have lived
but for that which
I never dared
there are windows of time
that close
before we are ready
leaving us wanting
and despite our attempts
to pry them open again
once they close
some never will
sweet opportunity,
reapproach me now
and offer me what you will
so I never run out of options
time is always too short
but for what remains
let the curtains fly freely
and my life remain refreshed
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Re: stifled
Posted by: petersz (69.181.22.---)
Date: February 23, 2022 05:49PM
You, I believe, Sherry, will remain the one who parts the curtains to refresh your world.
Bon chance,
Peter
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think it touched a nerve, of sorts, for me, and raised the age old debate about destiny vs. self determination....about passivism vs. (whatever the opposite is called, activism?).....about "making" life happen vs."letting" life happen.....about nature taking its course; letting the chips fall where they may vs. spinning our wheels or forcing our own influence onto a thing.....about how doing nothing is sometimes really doing much (especially if deliberately; so as to allow a higher power to do the doing - no matter how long it takes).
Anyway,
That my eyes won't
befall, that
which I wasn't meant
to see
befall (happen upon)
It's somewhat paradoxical, however, because if we open the curtains, we aren't just "happening upon" whatever it is that we see.
I've listened to other's advice to effect change! Seek opportunities! Refresh your life! Open the curtains! And I've experienced both ends of the spectrum with such attempts. I've been disappointed when my expectations of seeing something (that I wanted to see) wasn't there - and - I've given myself the credit for it being there because I opened the curtains to see it.
Either scenerio can be a recipe for personal disaster. It took some of my darkest hours of despair in younger days, immobilized, unable to do anything but stare blankly at the curtains, to learn that some of the most beautiful things happen when you let things be as they may...
Like a sudden gusty breeze parting the curtains for a split second, just as a hummingbird zooms in, hesitates for the same split second, and zooms off just as the curtains come together again. Or watching the curtains dance as if to finely orchestrated music.
Sorry for going off on a tangent. With what appears to have been a resolution to a longstanding problem, my voice has returned. It's as if fasting (from talking too much) was the requirement needed for divine intervention. The results were much better than expected, although it will be some time before I can rest easy. He who giveth, can taketh away.
bon appetit,
Mary
Mary, I did stumble a little on "befall" but would never apply the adjective "gross" to your writing.
My first thought (which I should have mentioned in my comment, as it might be the best solution) was that maybe you mistook "befall" for "fall" and meant that line to read "fall upon that".
Substituting "happen on" [or "happen upon"] for "befall," would, as you say, imply seeing something by chance.
If you want to keep the "be" sound at the start of the line, some possibilities to replace "befall,", depending on what meaning you are aiming for, might be "be drawn to" or "be assailed by" or "be troubled by" or "be hurt by".
Ok, Ian. You've helped me decide how to correct it, without changing the meaning.
The "be" sound doesn't play into it (I don't think)...and whatever is seen, or not seen, doesn't necessarily hurt, trouble, or assail in an of itself...but rather interferes with what was meant to be seen (whether the humming bird or an angry crack of lightening centered perfectly just as the breeze parts the curtain). So "fall upon" has it. Although now, "that" seems to stand out more as problematically repetitive.
Thanks much.
Mary
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2009 10:25AM by UPMarty.
Mary, the repetition of "that" doesn't jar with me. You just need to remove the comma after "upon".
Ian
Thanks Kris and Ian for helping to improve the poem, Les for bumping it back to life, and Sherry (& Peter) for the inspiration.
Mary