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Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (86.167.144.---)
Date: December 22, 2021 10:54PM

There, in the corner, staring at his list
Two pints long - an industrial tan.
Padding - a pillow, an eking of slightness
Beard upon beard - myth upon man.

Yet, no prosaic approaches for him
No drunken sitting of knees, no pleas
For a new Mrs: he's left alone
To sup and tick, a regular guy/myth.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/08/2021 02:06PM by larkinabout.


Re: Santa
Posted by: Mr. P (75.111.16.---)
Date: December 23, 2021 05:57AM

I was gonna tease you in a croc hunter accent but decided it was too much work. How's shit camus?


Re: Santa
Posted by: petersz (69.181.22.---)
Date: December 23, 2021 12:15PM

Kris,

You always seem to have your eyes open.

be well,

Peter


Re: Santa
Posted by: lifeisbutadream (94.249.73.---)
Date: December 23, 2021 03:35PM

Long time, Kris. Good to see you on the board again.

K.Q.


Re: Santa
Posted by: redmitten (216.187.184.---)
Date: December 23, 2021 05:41PM

just in time.


Re: Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (86.158.156.---)
Date: December 23, 2021 09:59PM

Bloody hell I must have been pissed, i forgot I posted this!

Hey I did a rhyme...well a half-rhyme.

Mr.P, don't dis his memory, just don't go there...

Hey Pete, always good to hear from ya, hope you're well and not too old...I saw Leonard Cohen the other week, truly magnificent...He's 74 you know...

Hey girls, hope all is groovy with ya'll.

Anyhow Happy Christmas to all of ya...

Take care, be well.

cheers
Kris


Re: Santa
Posted by: petersz (69.181.22.---)
Date: December 24, 2021 12:10AM

what a treasure...Leonard Cohen...good for you.

I am happy to be 64 my friend.

hang in there,

Peter


Re: Santa
Posted by: Mr. P (75.111.16.---)
Date: December 25, 2021 03:27AM

No, I'm not attempting to slander your dad/santa. I was attempting to start a lengthy conversation with you involing life, death, truth, bananas.


Re: Santa
Posted by: Merc (75.211.33.---)
Date: December 26, 2021 10:33AM

Kris doesn't know much about bananas, nor death, but he does write some pretty good poetry.


Re: Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (86.170.146.---)
Date: December 31, 2021 11:53AM

Mr.P

I was referring to your "croc hunter" comment, take not Steve Irwin's name in vain!

As for the Santa character, well he was just a guy I saw in a local drinking establishment,not my Dad! Although if my dad does show up, please let me know, he owes me 35 years of birthday and christmas pressies!

Thanks Merc!

God bless us one and all.


Re: Santa
Posted by: Mr. P (75.111.21.---)
Date: December 31, 2021 01:07PM

Right, how about it?


Re: Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (82.29.78.---)
Date: January 05, 2022 08:37PM

Mr.P,

What was your original name? I prefer that, i can relate to that.

"Right, how about it?"

Unfortunately, you don't listen...

What the fuck is the point of conversing, when there is no one listening?

Get over yourself, then we'll talk!


Re: Santa
Posted by: Mr. P (75.111.63.---)
Date: January 06, 2022 08:08AM

This game of yours got tired some time ago.


Re: Santa
Posted by: IanAKB (210.84.14.---)
Date: January 06, 2022 09:38AM

A fine vignette, Kris. Great control of words, with quality phrasemaking. I particularly like "eking of slightness" (which btw reminds me of the felicitous definition of a lady's bustle as "fiction founded on fact").

If you are interested in polishing, I suggest "No" would flow better than "Nor" at the start of S2L2, so long as you insert a comma at the end of the preceding line.

Also, you might be able to improve on the very end. IMO, "guy/myth" is a little clumsy, the one place in the poem where your standard slipped.

You rhymed S1L4 with S1L2, so ideally you'd follow the same pattern in S2, which means finding a rhyme for "pleas", which probably can't be done without replacing "a regular" in S2L4. Perhaps "ease"; e.g."a myth man at ease" or "an old guy at ease" or "a Claus clone at ease"?

Ian

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/06/2022 06:19PM by IanAKB.


Re: Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (82.29.78.---)
Date: January 08, 2022 02:11PM

Some good suggestions there Ian.

I certainly did ponder repeating the rhyme scheme, but as I'm rather clumsy/shite at rhyming in general, I hoped I may get a away with it.

I'll certainly have a think about it though, some poems are worth the effort, alas not many...

cheers
Kris


Re: Santa
Posted by: larkinabout (82.29.78.---)
Date: January 08, 2022 10:11PM

Mr.C

"This game of yours got tired some time ago."

Why the fuck do you keep returning then?

Is it a Pavlov thing? do I ring your bell?


Re: Santa
Posted by: Mr. P (75.111.63.---)
Date: January 09, 2022 10:37PM

Well, you did start this. I thought you might like to end it?




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