A crease in his exterior both variable and vivid
Outshined inflections curious as classical as is livid
Leviticus is ludicrous when written upon the cattle
But what he lacks in Leningrad he makes it up in Seattle

catchy tune, Johnny.

Thanks Mary, that's what I always hope for

I always like a good nod toward the Puget Sound, nice rhythm as noted above.


Les

That last line is great. Something I would love to borrow. You can toss it into a conversation and nobody will know if you're saying something profound, praising someone,or insulting them. "You know that's just Phil, what he lacks in Leningrad he makes it up in Seattle."

(There is that risk of appearing to be a half bubble off level too.)

Thanks Les !

Sure, Steevo, you are welcome to it

You'll be questioned, though, so be prepared with an explanation

Johnny, the hypnotic rhythm infuses most of this with enigmatic wisdom, but to perfect that effect I suggest three small polishes:

L2, delete 'is'
L3, change 'upon' to 'on'
L4, delete 'it'.

Ian

Thanks Ian for your suggestions, but those words (beats) are vital for the effect I was attempting

I lack the ability to express my intent in musical terms, but i will try as best I can.

the rhythm is thus: 1234 1234 12345 123 with the second beat stressed in all

LeVITicus
is LUDicrous
when WRITten upon
the CATtle

I find the difference in reading this either way fascinating.

JB, When we read one of your poems out load we can actually sing it. But it would be great if we could all sing together and see if it comes out the same.

I don't pay as detailed attention to my rhythms but I do intend them to be as they are. Sometimes they fall into a nice flow and sometimes not.

You are deep into that part of the poem, and it is quite remarkable. I have seen great poets actually tapping their fingers on their leg as they read a poem. You can tell they're feeling it. I have trouble holding to the rhythm even when I know what I wrote. I thnk it may have to do with a closer connection to music in your life.

That simultaneous sense of rhythm, language and sound is a great thing to see, but even better to hear.

The fixed rhythm suggested by Ian would lend itself to something like



But what he lost in Leningrad he found it in St Petersburg

or Sault Saint Marie
Then you don't lose the nice contrast of continents and cultures.

I'm talking about St Petersburg Florida

I was reading the lines as 7 beat:

A crease in his exterior both variable and vivid
Outshined inflections curious as classical as is livid
Leviticus is ludicrous when written upon the cattle
But what he lacks in Leningrad he makes it up in Seattle

The changes I suggested were to remove inconsistencies with that.

However your intent is different and no less valid, Johnny.

I was looking for the Leningrad ad this morning in the paper,
and they had to add an ad about Leningrad for that in St. Petersburg.
I took an ad in St. Gettysburg, something about Jet lag,
sad, but I still had to get back to the good old, etcetera
etcetera,
etcetera.