Another person shares my bed
Brighter, taller, laughter
We'd be buried together I surmised, I hoped
Side by side six feet under
Talking for hours about our innermost dreams fears and parasites
But remain to guard my poetry
I turn to hold he who shares my mind
And I realize truly sadly and vainly
I am in love with myself

Hey guys, I know I haven't been here in a while and I know the poem is a little short but I'm trying to get back in the game.

what do you think?

An interesting premise, G47. I enjoyed the read.

Les

Thanks Les

G...I like a lot of the the poem, but I can't get myself to treat the line

'Brighter, taller, laughter '

as if it makes sense as a parallel construction, even if all three words end the same...just a distraction from a very interesting piece.

amo,

Peter

I see what you mean Peter and thanks for your comments, but I can't bring myself to change it!
what would you suggest instead?

thanks

G...

Would

'Brighter, taller, full of laughter'

work for you?

After all, you're the poet here; I'm just the critic, for now.

See what you can find.

amo,

Peter

I love the poem , Lana. It is such a change from your lengthier poems. Interesting narcissist ending! hahaha. I can't say it is unlike you! As for the line Peter depicted, I too found it a bt shocking at the beginning, but then I grew to like the shock. It has an impact I cannot explain but I like it! Perhaps it feels defiant to expectations and that is why I grew to like it! Keep up you experimentations.

K.Q.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2008 03:44AM by lifeisbutadream.

I like the honesty of the speaker here. A few phrases come to mind when reading:

1. "We're born alone and we die alone" and....
2. "You can't take it with you when you go"

I think an exception to #2 would be an artist's artistry.

Enjoyed.

Mary

Hey Khalida thanks for the comment is a change from my lengthier poems a good thing?

I really like that line and I cant really bring myself to change it. It fits in my mind to the poem, sorry peter

Thanks for reading Mary and thanks for your comments I appreciate it!

Lana

No apology necessary. The poet has absolute authority over what is in the poem, but he/she simply has to recognize that some things exclude some readers...to one degree or another. Grammaticality is always one of the tricky choices, but it does need to be a conscious choice when the writer wants to explore structure beyond the syntactically correct.

Write more,

Peter

Thanks Peter

Just curious, G47, and not in any way being unwelcoming. What do you hope/aim/need to get out of posting in Emule? This poem for example. Your opening question "what do you think?" didn't really give a lead on what kind of comment you want.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2022 07:14AM by IanAKB.

Feedback mostly... negative and positive... ways of improvement... possible analysis...
i take whatever i can get really...