Another person shares my bed
Brighter, taller, laughter
We'd be buried together I surmised, I hoped
Side by side six feet under
Talking for hours about our innermost dreams fears and parasites
But remain to guard my poetry
I turn to hold he who shares my mind
And I realize truly sadly and vainly
I am in love with myself
Hey guys, I know I haven't been here in a while and I know the poem is a little short but I'm trying to get back in the game.
what do you think?
An interesting premise, G47. I enjoyed the read.
Les
G...I like a lot of the the poem, but I can't get myself to treat the line
'Brighter, taller, laughter '
as if it makes sense as a parallel construction, even if all three words end the same...just a distraction from a very interesting piece.
amo,
Peter
I see what you mean Peter and thanks for your comments, but I can't bring myself to change it!
what would you suggest instead?
thanks
G...
Would
'Brighter, taller, full of laughter'
work for you?
After all, you're the poet here; I'm just the critic, for now.
See what you can find.
amo,
Peter
I love the poem , Lana. It is such a change from your lengthier poems. Interesting narcissist ending! hahaha. I can't say it is unlike you! As for the line Peter depicted, I too found it a bt shocking at the beginning, but then I grew to like the shock. It has an impact I cannot explain but I like it! Perhaps it feels defiant to expectations and that is why I grew to like it! Keep up you experimentations.
K.Q.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2008 03:44AM by lifeisbutadream.
I like the honesty of the speaker here. A few phrases come to mind when reading:
1. "We're born alone and we die alone" and....
2. "You can't take it with you when you go"
I think an exception to #2 would be an artist's artistry.
Enjoyed.
Mary
Hey Khalida thanks for the comment is a change from my lengthier poems a good thing?
I really like that line and I cant really bring myself to change it. It fits in my mind to the poem, sorry peter
Thanks for reading Mary and thanks for your comments I appreciate it!
Lana
No apology necessary. The poet has absolute authority over what is in the poem, but he/she simply has to recognize that some things exclude some readers...to one degree or another. Grammaticality is always one of the tricky choices, but it does need to be a conscious choice when the writer wants to explore structure beyond the syntactically correct.
Write more,
Peter
Just curious, G47, and not in any way being unwelcoming. What do you hope/aim/need to get out of posting in Emule? This poem for example. Your opening question "what do you think?" didn't really give a lead on what kind of comment you want.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2022 07:14AM by IanAKB.
Feedback mostly... negative and positive... ways of improvement... possible analysis...
i take whatever i can get really...