I come on soft feet
It is as if we have met before
I do not need your surrender
You have your land. I have my need.
I am coltsfoot.
I speak without words
My purpose is obscure
My singing is unheard
My triumphs are unwritten
It is not as if my invasion is overt.
If it were, you might take steps,
although I cannot imagine
a defence against me. You dredge me up
from quarries; my subtle presence
is the night snow on the doorstep
in the morning. I am unnoticed.
You bring me here, you do that for me.
Thank you. You build your lovely roads,
and here I am, with the asphalt. Spoors
of my subtle beauty line the tarmac.
Until.
I come on soft feet. If this were a battle,
I would seek your surrender.
I do not need your surrender
I like this piece, Stephen, there is just enough wonder and information to keep the reader on track.
Les
Nice metaphors, Stephen.
I'm unfamiliar with coltsfoot (maybe we don't have it in Australia), but this poem could as well apply to the morning glory plant which is impossible to eradicate from our garden. Its exploratory tendrils are so easy to pull away. It's as if the plant says "All right, all right, no hassles". But once your attention is turned elsewhere it starts creeping back, and a week later has taken possession of the ground all over again with even more scout shoots.
If you are interested in polishes, a few small suggestions:
In the final line, I feel "don't" would work better rhythmically than "do not". That point aside, it's a great last line. It doesn't deserve to be preempted by line 3, so delete line 3.
I'd also delete line 4. It's unnecessary because what it says is clearly implied by the poem title.
Presenting lines 6, 7, 8 and 9 as singletons is disconcerting rather than enhancing. They would speak just as well combined as one 4-line stanza, and the poem would look better.
Each time I read "although" in line 12, I feel the rhythm would be better served by "though".
Finally, delete the ungrammatical, one-word line "Until". It doesn't work. Won't be missed.
Regardless, an enjoyable read.
Ian
Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 04/24/2008 12:34PM by IanAKB.
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I will think on your suggestions on the next rewrite, Ian. Thankyou for them.