In case you need cheering up (especially Jack, miserable sod) I'll share this -

Advice for Bear Country

A black or brown will never do you harm
if he can help it. Simply wave your arm
while pointing at him with your walking stick
and shouting "Go away!" Then make a quick
but quiet exit. Go home a different way.
A grizzly, though, might see you as his prey,
and if he does there's no deterring him.
He's mean. He'll disembowel you on a whim.
You'll merely piss him off by shouting "Shoo!"
and pointing your walking stick. He eats those, too.
Three things that you can do for safety's sake:
wear little bells whose noise will gently wake
a sleeping bear before you get too close.
And carry pepper spray. A well-aimed dose
might slow him down, a bit. And watch the ground
for droppings so you'll know if he's around.
His crap is easily recognized. It smells
like pepper and is festooned with little bells.

--Richard Wakefield


Any more funny bear poems anyone?

Stephen

Here's 2 short ones:

Infant Innocence

The Grizzly bear is huge and wild
He has devoured the infant child
The infant child is not aware
He has been eaten by the bear.

and

The common cormorant or shag
Lays eggs inside a paper bag.
The reason you will see, no doubt,
It is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have never noticed is that herds
Of wandering bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.

The Polar Bear
Jack Prelutsky

The polar bear by being white
Gives up his camouflage at night.
And yet, without a thought or care,
He wander here, meanders there,
And gaily treads the icy floes
Completely unconcened with foes.
For after dark nobody dares
To set out after polar bears.

No poems, but a decent joke.
There's these two guys (classic joke intro) we'll call them Stephen and Jack.
They're out in the boonies berry-picking and bird-watching when they encounter a large, aggresive Ursis Horribilus. Now Stephen, being a typical hoplophobe, had forbidden Jacks' bringing any 'Bear Medicine' (.44 magnum) so the only option open to them was to beat a hasty retreat. Jack, having soiled his Abercrombie & Fitch trekking khakis, is about to flee for his life, when he sees Stephen calmly sit down on a rock and begin to change his shoes. Jack is stunned,. He screams at Stephen 'What the bloody hell are you doing?!' Stephen responds 'I can't be expected to run in these clod-hoppers. I am changing into my Adidas'. Now Jack is flabbergasted. He shouts incredulou
sly 'There is a 1000 kilo (2200lbs) carnivore bearing down on us. What possible good is changing your shoes going to do? You can't outrun that bear!' To which Stephen serenely replies 'I don't have to outrun the bear, you miserable sod, I just have to outrun you'.

Here's a groaner

.A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin,
characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."

Here's one-

pam

My Bear

I never killed a bear because
I always thought them critters was
So kindo' cute;
Though round my shack they often came,
I'd raise my rifle and take aim,
But couldn't shoot.
Yet there was one full six-feet tall
Who came each night and gobbled all
The grub in sight;
On my pet garden truck he'd feast,
Until I thought I must at least
Give him a fight.

I put some corn mush in a pan;
He lapped it swiftly down and ran
With bruin glee;
A second day I did the same,
Again with eagerness he came
To gulp and flee.
The third day I mixed up a cross
Of mustard and tobasco sauce,
And ginger too,
Well spiced with pepper of cayenne,
Topped it with treacled mush, and then
Set out the brew.

He was a huge and husky chap;
I saw him shamble to the trap,
The dawn was dim.
He squatted down on his behind,
And through the cheese-cloth window-blind
I peeked at him.
I never saw a bear so glad;
A look of joy seraphic had
His visage brown;
He slavered, and without suspish-
- Ion hugged that horrid dish,
And swilled it down.

Just for a moment he was still,
Then he erupted loud and shrill
With frantic yell;
The picket fence he tried to vault;
He turned a double somersault,
And ran like hell.
I saw him leap into the lake,
As if a thirst of fire to slake,
And thrash up foam;
And then he sped along the shore,
And beat his breast with raucous roar,
And made for home.

I guess he told the folks back there
My homestead was taboo for bear
For since that day,
Although my pumpkins star the ground,
No other bear has come around,
Nor trace of bruin have I found,
- Well, let me pray!



--- Robert Service

Stephen, great advice on bears for the most part. If any are females with cubs all bets are off. Great jokes. Here's a variation of Glenda's.
Koala bear on vacation finds a prostitue......same ending as Glenda's. Fill in the rest for tourselves. jhs

True regarding the females, as our buddy RK told us--

The Female of the Species
by: Rudyard Kipling

When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,
He shouts to scare the monster who will often turn aside.
But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail,
For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.


pam

A bear whose coat was a wee bit warm,
Cut off his fur one summer morn,
When the weather's warm he's without a care,
But how much cold can a bare bear bear?

Stephen, your earlier post about poems for your grandkids started me reading my old A.A.Milne books again (these were passed down to me by an elderly relative and i have just realised they are first editions!) - he loved bears, and they pop up in lots of his poems, like this one -


Twice Times

There were two little bears who lived in a wood
One was Bad and the other was Good.
Good bear learned his twice times one -
But bad bear always left his buttons undone.

They lived in a tree when the weather was hot
One was good and the other was not.
Good bear learned his twice times two -
But bad bear’s thingummies were worn right through.

They lived in a cave when the weather was cold
And they did and they didn’t do what they were told.
Good bear learned his twice times three -
But bad bear never had his hand-ker-chee.

They lived in a wood with a kind old aunt
And one said "Yes'm" and the other said, "shan’t!"
Good bear learned his twice times four -
But bad bear’s knickerties were terribly tore.

And then quite suddenly (just like us)
One got better and the other got wuss.
Good bear muddled his twice times three -
But bad bear coughed in his hand-ker-chee!

Good bear muddled his twice times two -
But bad bear’s thingamees looked like new.
Good bear muddled his twice times one -
But bad bear never left his buttons undone.

There may be a moral, though some say not;
I think there’s a moral, though I don’t know what.
But if one gets better, as the other gets wuss,
These two little bears are just like us.

For Christopher remembers up to twice times ten,
but I keep forgetting where I put my pen..

(so I had to write this one in pencil.)


A.A. Milne

By the magic of coincidence, I received an email forward about bears today--
pam

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat like crazy. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yep..... I wanna be a bear.

My friend Fred once (in college) translated FUZZY WUZZY into Latin, and I'm sorry I can't reconstruct it. I only remember how it began:

Fuzzius Wuzzius ursus erat.

Which I think is hysterial all by itself. But then he translated it BACK INTO ENGLISH, like this:

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was bald.
True?

I guess translation software doesn't go for word-play. There's a version of Winnie-the-Pooh in Latin: WINNIE ILLE PU.

pam

this is so cool you are really good i wish i could write like that

Actually I have greatly enjoyed the little bear theme going here, but I certainly have to agree with JHS here.

I have lived in regions close to bears for much of my life, and it has been my personal experience that Grizzily's are fairly lazy and laid back; like your typical man watching a Sunday night football game (not soccer ;-).

Where as Back bears are just plain insane. Grizzly ALWAYS attack with reason, but Black bears sometimes just seem to attack for the heck of it. Without cubs around, food stashes that have been buried or even for territory.

Crazy beasts they are, but boy are they ever cute!

How cool, then ,is this -

Bearhug

Griffin calls to come and kiss him goodnight
I yell ok. Finish something I'm doing,
then something else, walk slowly round
the corner to my son's room.
He is standing arms outstretched
waiting for a bearhug. Grinning.

Why do I give my emotion an animal's name,
give it that dark squeeze of death?
This is the hug which collects
all his small bones and his warm neck against me.
The thin tough body under the pyjamas
locks to me like a magnet of blood.

How long was he standing there
like that, before I came?

Michael Ondaatje

Kids, eh?

Stephen

Bump; because the sun is shining OK?

Stephen

Funny! Funny! Funny! I have heard that one many a time. It is still great! It is not hard to make me laugh. I almost fell out of my chair after this one. I simply could not imagen "Jack, and Stephen" doing this.

"Loving people is like farting in the wind; You don't actually accomplish anything, but you feel better."

~The Great and Powerful Angelia~

Stephen, You definitely have made my day. I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life. I can hardly see through my tears of joy. Oh, brilliantly placed. I was not expecting to read something so enjoyable when I saw the title. I don't really seem to think that bears are all that funny. Great job!!!!

"Loving people is like farting in the wind; You don't actually accomplish anything, but you feel better."

~The Great and Powerful Angelia~

Algi met a bear,
The bear met Algi.
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algi.

Fave (until I read Advice for Bear Country!) was "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes - too long to print here, but it's at [www.telusplanet.net] amongst other places.

Shorter and less clever but definitely still fun is Shel Silverstein's Bear in There:
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.

I look forward to reading this to Treasure when she's old enough...

Here's a bear poem-


pam


Meeting A Bear
-David Wagoner


If you haven't made noise enough to warn him, singing, shouting,
Or thumping sticks against trees as you walk in the woods,
Giving him time to vanish
(As he wants to) quietly sideways through the nearest thicket,
You may wind up standing face to face with a bear.
Your near future,
Even your distant future, may depend on how he feels
Looking at you, on what he makes of you
And your upright posture
Which, in his world, like a down-swayed head and humped shoulders,
Is a standing offer to fight for territory
And a mate to go with it.
Gaping and staring directly are as risky as running:
To try for dominance or moral authority
Is an empty gesture,
And taking to your heels is an invitation to a dance
Which, from your point of view, will be no circus.
He won't enjoy your smell
Or anything else about you, including your ancestors
Or the shape of your snout. If the feeling's mutual,
It's still out of balance:
He doesn't care what you think or calculate; your disapproval
Leaves him as cold as the opinions of salmon.
He may feel free
To act out his own displeaures with vengeance:
You would do well to try your meekest behavior,
Standing still
As long as you're not mauled or hugged, your eyes downcast.
But if you must make a stir, do everything sidelong,
Gently and naturally,
Vaguely oblique. Withdraw without turning and start saying
Softly, monotonously, whatever comes to mind
Without special pleading:
Nothing hurt or reproachful to appeal to his better feelings.
He has none, only a harder life than yours.
There is no use singing
National anthems or battle hymns or alma maters
Or any other charming or beastly music.
Use, only the dullest,
Blandest, most colorless, undemonstrative speech you can think of,
Bears, for good reason, find it embarrassing
Or at least disarming
And will forget their, claws and cover their eyeteeth as an answer.
Meanwhile, move off, yielding the forest floor
As carefully as your honor.

Because the sun is shining here too today


Grizzly Bear

If you ever, ever, ever
meet a grizzly bear,
You must never, never, never
ask him where
He is going,
Or what he is doing;
For if you ever, ever dare
To stop a grizzly bear,
You will never, ever, ever
Meet another grizzly bear.

Mary Austin

-------------------

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. As he was walking
alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He
turned to look. He saw a huge grizzly charge towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that
the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The
bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a
bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky "You deny
my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and,
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed. The bear then dropped its right
paw ........ brought both paws together....bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Made my day! Thanx Stephen, for bumping this.

des

I posted this in the USP section last month, but since this thread is about bears, I thought I'd post it here as well.

I made these lyrics up out of desperation many years ago while trying to comfort my 15-month old daughter, Michele. She was having a terrible time with a viral infection and this silly little song seemed to have a magical effect on her, quieting her struggle for brief periods. Over the years, she urged me to write the words down, something which I promised her I would do but never quite got around to doing. I was reminded of the promise once again, recently, while quietly observing Michele from across a crowded room. For no apparent reason, the song just popped into my head. I accept that as a sign that it is now time to keep my promise.

By the way, the chorus can be sung to the tune of “Popeye The Sailor Man” (for those of you old enough to remember that). For you others out there, and for the two non-chorus stanzas, you’ll have to come up with your own melody, as I did nearly 30 years ago.

The Sailor Bear (The Further Adventures of Little Miss Pretty)
A Silly Song For Sweet Michele

Stanza 1:

Little Miss Pretty went to the city
To see what she could see.
When she got there, she saw an old bear,
Singing ditties about the sea.

Chorus:

Oh-Ho! I’m a sailor bear, who’s sailed nearly everywhere;
Tomorrow or sooner, I’ll hop in my schooner,
And sail for Trafalgar Square.

Oh-Ho! I’m a sailor bear, and whether it’s rainy or fair,
I sail by the breeze on all seven seas,
In search of adventure there.

Stanza 2:

When Little Miss Pretty returned from the city,
They asked, “What did you see?”
She told of the bear in his old captain’s chair,
Singing ditties about the sea.

Chorus:

Oh-Ho! He’s a sailor bear, who’s sailed nearly everywhere,
Tomorrow or sooner, he’ll hop in his schooner,
And sail for Trafalgar Square.

Oh-Ho! He’s a sailor bear, and whether it’s rainy or fair,
He sails by the breeze on all seven seas,
In search of adventure there.

Jack among the bears.

Jack is the surly one on the right!


Jack

That's better.

What happened to all your hair Grizzly Adams?

JP-


I was LONG overdue for a trim.


I re-posted the picture (I'm the one not smiling).


Jack

Ah! Thanks Jack,
I was getting a crick in my neck.
JP

Hey, Jack, you look like you got pepper up your nose.

Stephen

Stephen-

That's my HAPPY look!


Jack

How 'bout them cubs?

In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Since then:


Radio was invented.
Four states were admitted to the Union.
The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Television was invented.
The U.S. went through the Great Depression.
The U.S. participated in two world wars and two major armed conflicts, Korea and Vietnam.
The NFL was founded.
Man landed on the moon.
Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed.
Harry Carey was born.
Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball park in the National League.
Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been replaced without ever holding a pennant.
Lights were installed at twenty-five major league baseball stadiums--except Wrigley Field.
Ten teams were added to the major leagues.
Halley's Comet passed the earth twice.
Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball for the Cubs, retired and died of old age.

Talia, if the Cubs win I will commit Harry Carey!


Les

to the insane asylum?

pam

OK, Pam here goes:

Nelly Kelly loved baseball games,
Knew the players, knew all their names,
You could see her there ev'ry day,
Shout "Hurray" when they'd play.
Her boy friend by the name of Joe
Said, "To Coney Isle, dear, let's go,"
Then Nelly started to fret and pout,
And to him I heard her shout.

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back,
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game."

Nelly Kelly was sure some fan,
She would root just like any man,
Told the umpire he was wrong,
All along, good and strong.
When the score was just two to two,
Nelly Kelly knew what to do,
Just to cheer up the boys she knew,
She made the game sing this song.

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back,
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game."

Lyrics by Jack Norworth music later by Albert von Tilzer


Les

Here's a nice stash of baseball poems. [www.baseball-almanac.com] Don't know if any have bears in them, though.

pam

Thanks for the link. I have been meaning to search for Casey at the bat as I thought I might understand the situation more now that I have watched some baseball coverage. And what do you know, I was right, and I didn't even have to ask.

You're in better shape than I am- I can't seem to understand cricket no matter how many P.G. Wodehouse stories I read!

pam

Yes, but how many complete test matches have you followed all the way through (including bad light and rain)?

bump (because I could)

Stephen

Thanks, Stephen, I had fun reading these again.

Les