Anybody heard any good puns lately, I mean good ones that make you groan like the ones that Bennet Cerf used to tell?

Here's a sample:

Porpoise Problems

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever, provided that they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately
he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions
for immortal porpoises.


Les

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/02/2022 03:17AM by lg.

Elephants Never Forget

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across
the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because
I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53
years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the
elephant, .... "turtle recall".


Les

Thanks for the link, Pam:

No Win Situation

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


Les

Some people maintain that a bun is the lowest form of wheat; but I admire the wit who, when reprimanded for punning, replied:

    If another pun I shed,
    I will then be punish-ed.
    I must hide my punnish head
    Underneath some puny shed

Biologist studies frogs

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.


Farmer milks a cow

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2021 09:15AM by Debutant.

A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for
experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the
world.

Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to
Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina
and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire,
which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to
the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and
refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met
in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in
chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office
after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to
Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends
his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

I like the NASA story, Joe, I'll have to share it with my dairy farmer acquaintances.


Partical Physics

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Ommmm

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."



Les

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2021 02:55PM by lg.

A certain monastery was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones. Each morning, they assembled in the chapel and the Abbot would chant"Good morning assembled brethren." The monks dutifully replied "Good morning, Father Abbot." One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted "Good evening, Father Abbot". The Abbot fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang "Someone chanted evening!"


Les

When Caesar and Antony planned
A visit to Egypt first-hand,
  We questioned them why
  And they both replied, "I
Was getting the lay of the land."

There once was a fellow named Clyde
Who fell into an outhouse and died.
  His unfortunate brother
  Fell into another
And now they're interred side by side.

Les

After unexpectedly losing a basketball game to Northwestern University,
former University of Illinois coach Lou Henson was asked by a reporter about his team's execution:
Quipped Henson: "I think it would be a good idea!"


Les

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czeckoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and started to eat him alive (he didn't stay alive for long!). The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."

"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger, "I never trust anyone who says that the Czeck's in the male."

Another improbable tale involves a powwow among the wise old women of a tribe. At a meeting in the trophy room to settle the late chief's estate, two young men challenged the women's authority. As it turned out, the squaw on the hippopotamus proved equal to the share of the sons on the other two hides.

Such wildly contrived puns are good for a groan. The smaller excellencies of wordplay call only for a smile of silent applause. Bridge writer Frank Stewart also had a story about a monarch. The ruler was deposed because he spent more time playing bridge than minding his country's affairs. His reign was called on account of game.


Les

If I were punished for every pun I shed, there would not be left a puny shed of my punnish head.
Samuel Johnson

Thanks, Johnny. I didn't realize this was from Samuel Johnson. According to Google you have the correct version. The one I heard years ago and cited above may be a modern adaptation by someone who tried to improve the sense, which must have seemed wanting in 'a puny shed of my punnish head'.

According to the SOED one of the meanings of the noun 'shed' current in Johnson's day, though now obsolete (in England at least), was 'a fragment', which makes sense in your version. My guess is it was a variant of 'shard' or 'sherd', however that possibility isn't mentioned in the SOED.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"

Les

Lol on the last one, Les!

A young blonde had heard that taking milk baths could keep her looking young and vivacious. So she got up early one morning to make sure she got enough milk to fill the bath tub. When the milkman arrived, she told him to change her regular delivery from one quart per day to 20 gallons per day.

Somewhat astonished, but not wanting to lose such a large order, the milkman said, "OK," and then asked her, "Will that be pasteurized?"

"No silly," she said, "that'll only come up to my breasts."

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Les

TV fans of the series, Green Acres, were always amazed at how well-trained Arnold the pig was. Whenever Arnold was in a scene to do a trick or make a noise, he always did it perfectly the first time. Well, it turns out that Arnold's handler and trainer also happened to be Eddie Albert, the star of the show's, hair stylist. Whenever Arnold was in a scene, the hair stylist would stand off in the wings and whisper the stage directions to the pig, who always followed them flawlessly. Of course, once people realized who was providing the prompts, Arnold became known as TV's first barber-cued pork.

John So, the current Mayor of Melbourne, Australia, is a man of sunny disposition and enormous popularity. He's also a member of Melbourne's Chinese community, and speaks English with an unashamedly ethnic accent, which may in part explain the public's affection. The story is that Stevie Wonder was doing a gig in Melbourne, and asked for requests. The Mayor was in the audience and called out "Play a jazz chord!". Stevie, flattered by this awareness of his early fondness for jazz, obliged with some elaborate and prolonged jazz improvisations. But the Mayor called again "Play a jazz chord!" Stevie obliged similarly once more. When the Mayor made the same request a third time, Stevie replied "All right 'mate', you come up here and show us how to do it". John So leaped on to the stage, grabbed the mike, and began singing "A jazz chord to say ah ruv you..." (Could be true!)

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/28/2006 07:16AM by IanB.

A Ninth of Beethoven

A symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and things were getting a bit crazy. In the fourth movement, the lead violin player got some string and tied the conductor's music to the stand. Meanwhile, the bass players had been sneaking shots of whiskey throughout the entire performance and were completely plastered by this point. The trombone player looks up from his latest issue of Field and Stream to ask his neighbor what in the world was going on. The guy turns to him and says "Well, it's the bottom of the ninth, the basses are loaded and the score is tied."

Les

Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2022 11:13PM by lg.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

And on that musical note:

A 'C,' an E-flat, and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry,but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them....

Les

Chevy Chase - Weekend Update 1975:

Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol' Blue Eyes chuckled later, "Well, I guess it's simply another case of the ship hitting the fan." No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.

In a related story, Frank Sinatra was assaulted in the lobby of Ceasar's Palace casino in Las Vegas suffering a black eye. Johnny Carson said in his monologue that night that that was the first instance in recorded history that the fan hit the ...


Les

"knock off this commie crap or it's ring-a-ding-ding for you bozos"

Frrrrrrrrrrrrankie

Frog at the Bank

A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn't have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.

At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma.

"I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me the money?"

"Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?"

"Well," says the frog. "All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?"

"Hmm . . . I'll have to speak to my manager." She enters her manager's office.

"Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight."

Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

=============================================================================================================

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."


Les

I heard a similar one where the frog's name is kermit Jagger, Mick's son, so the last line ends with "His old man's a Rolling Stone"

and now by request something completely different:

A VISUAL PUN




Les

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2022 09:21PM by lg.

Organized Crime

Made in China

Now is the winter

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy some paint and to paint the church. Well, Bill went out and bought some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he had expected so he added some thinner to the paint. It still covered with the thinner paint, but not as well as it had at first. Bill thought that he was still using more paint than he wanted to, so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well, the paint was too thin now to cover very well, but Bill kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting from out of the sky and a loud voice from above which proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."

Les

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2022 08:39PM by lg.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.


The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Pam, and Glenda thanks for contributing, but I think Joe T. has definitely beat you to the punch on a couple of these. Don't feel bad though, he posted one of mine, too.

==================================================================================

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"

The bartender replies, "Well uh..aren't you a piece of string?"
The piece of string answers, "Yeah!"
And the bartender says, "Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!"
So the first piece of string walks back towards the door.

The second piece of string says, "Hey wait, hold on a minute!"
"You're not doing it right, watch this."
He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"
The barender said "Aren't you a piece of string?"
The piece of strings replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"


Les

These definitions are taken from the Pundit at Punpunpun.com:

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your
count
that votes.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium

at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd

dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Les